Love Hurts...

My very first CD I ever bought was Def Leopard I think - was the album called Love Bites?  I dunno.  But as I here thinking about how much a LOVE my children - that song comes to mind - you know in a funny ironic sad sort of way.

It is STRESSFUL how much I LOVE these kids.  Not everyday.  A good amount of the time I'm occupied trying to get life stuff done - dishes and working out and trying not to make cupcakes.

I know loving them to this degree - or at least telling them I love them to this degree is unhelpful - so you know - I don't make them too crazy with pronouncements of adoration.

But these faces - lips and eyes and eyelashes and noses and voices and jokes and hugs.  I hope I do them all justice.

In the middle of the night...

I hear Abby listening to Jeannie Roberts (or music or the penderwicks or...) on repeat. I find this incredibly endearing and is probably sabotaging her for life.  

I hear Jack talking in his sleep - mostly complaints about not being able to race, someone is hiding a toy from him, or general anger toward whatever his subconscious is doing to him... sometimes a huge laugh.

And Finn loud breathing thru his nose that he refuses to blow. (Sometimes he giggles in his sleep too)...and he's probably fallen off the bed but hasn't noticed.

Wind beneath their Capes

When I was a child I daydreamed about what my life would be like- love and marriage and kids.  Now, if I have the mental space, I daydream about my children as adults- not just their lives but how they will function as siblings.  I have no idea where life will take those relationships but I wish fiercely that they stay loving and close.  Because of course I want that.  But also because of how it started.  And how it is now. Abby and her boys.  Boys if you could only see how wonderful she is to you.  She is literally the wind beneath your wings.  These pictures are Halloween night.  She's not in the corner eating her candy or wishing her friends were there.  She's loving how much you love to be superheroes.  She's making your cape fly dramatically in the wind.  She is flying you around the room to music.

 She is the damsel in distress when you need to rescue someone.  And lovely Abby, maybe you did wish for more time with friends but look at your face.  You love this.  You love them.  And I love you all.

Homework

Jack has settled into a groove with school.  Don't get me wrong he still resents that it takes so long, that he has to be away from his toys - worse that they are susceptible to being played with by Finnin his absence.  But every day after Monday he happily sings to school.

 And... oddly enough he LOVES homework.  Like LOVES it. 

Checks the instructions... Double checks his work.  It's pretty awesome. And hilarious.  Very, very hilarious.

In Between

I do not feel the need for retreat because I often find myself on mini retreats.  As one shoot ends and the next arrive.

Legos and Star Wars

Two things that I've always equated with youth.  Glad we're getting into it finally in my family.

If they named Photographers like they do Serial Killers

My media name would be "The Face Collector"  (thx to Adam for realizing this and telling me)

Faith in Gramma's Cooking

Jack looked in the pantry for a long time this evening.  Finally grabbed the entire bottle of Mrs. Buttersworth syrup and headed to Gramma's.  Once there he asked her to make "French Toast and Pancakes... all mixed up like."

Oh this gif thing is dangerous

Just One Kid

It is so weird to just have one kid with me for any length of time.

We went to Abby's Girl Scout Camp last weekend and it was both lovely and disconcerting to have all my mommy energy and instincts trained on my first born for a couple days.  I learned a lot about her in that time - nothing maybe that I can verbalize - innate things that you learn about someone when you pay attention.  Mostly I saw that her instincts are right on.  She's been her own person from day one, but it was helpful for me to see just how capable she is and how clear it is that she's got a strategy to life, and it looks to be fully endorsable by me ;).

Finn is my just one kid everyday after elementary drop off and pick up.  Really seeing him is still hard for me.  Those males are just so different to start with and add to that he's so sweet tempered and yet so very true to himself.  So far, at his tender age of 4 I feel like I would recognize his soul anywhere - it's true and sure.  But I'm not sure how much I could describe him.  Sweet doesn't do him justice, and yet - good Lord he's a sweetie.   He's just as strong as the other two, but has figured out innately how to get things without butting his head against a wall.   I keep staring at him, wanting to figure him out... and yet, he's the most transparent of the three of my kids.  Actually, I think I've got him figured out - I just don't have him pegged. ;)

Singing Five Year Old

I have to say that it was no surprise to me that Abby went around singing her heart out all the day and all the night when she was five years old.  It was pretty much the best thing ever.

What I find hilarious is when Jack sings his heart out.  And it's not just limited to the rescue bots theme song.  Thanks to Wii dance he has quite the repertoire of songs to sing randomly as he's playing or you know- just walking from room to room.

We are in that rare window every year in which Jack and Finn are only a year apart in age.  And Finn is just starting to recognize song as a boredom reliever.

DC Super Fun Trip

The Abby Problem

I am realizing slowly - in tidbits - not all at once - that I have a tendency to use Abby.  I have always been proud that I am not "one of those mothers" who want their child to be a cheerleader or a virtuoso or popular in a way in which I can live through her in any selfish/negative way.  Generally I want my kids to find their own passions and drive in life... as much as is possible and I'll certainly give pushes where I think they need it.  But not because I want it.  Believe me I would much rather they all stay closeted up in my house for as long as possible - both because then I don't have to drive them around and also it's just a little like being pregnant - at least in my house I have some illusion of control over their general safety.

No, how I'm realizing I'm using Abby is as a sacrificial... something.  Honestly, I haven't totally figured it out.  But we haven't yet gotten to the point that she will pout inconsolably if she doesn't get what she wants.  She has this amazing, truly awe inspiring ability to power thru disappointment (cue my guilty inner voice "probably because she's so used to the feeling *insert rim shot here*).

I guess as I'm writing myself thru this I am thinking that I am taking credit for something and in fact assigning blame to myself for something that may just be simply a very beautiful character trait that she has.

I expect her to power thru her disappointment.  That's true.  But I also know that someday - someday very soon - that won't be nearly as easy as it might be right now.  I appreciate it while it lasts.  And I'll do my best to recognize that she's getting to that age where she simply can't be lumped in with the young brothers and cousins at things such as.... oh I dunno - Halloween.

She doesn't yet really know what she's missing - hasn't had a huge mega trick or treating experience.  So right now, I think I can dare to say that she's not too disappointed with doing it the young way.  Her feet were starting to hurt, she got candy, we have plenty of extra candy, she got to hang out with some family (feeding that extrovert part of her).  And it was an odd year to be sure - usually Daddy takes her out special and he couldn't do that this year.

I still think I have to watch myself - make sure I'm not expecting her to choke her emotions off simply because they aren't the most socially acceptable right at that moment.   That's what I think I started this post about.  The idea that I sometimes want her not to be heard or seen simply because it would satisfy an agenda I'm about at that moment.  Ridiculous.  Awful.  And totally like hiding a light under a basket - or whatever that Biblical reference is.

Okay, guilt assuaged, pride growing, expectations nil.  Tomorrow is tomorrow.  Today she was the best big sister ever on the planet and, as per usual, a beautiful person.

Goodbye Summer...

Sneak Peeks into camp

Jack's Big Step

Kindergarden Transition Pre-school has put a pride and a confidence in Jack that I've only ever rarely glimpsed before.

There is still a big part of him that would prefer to stay at home and make up games with Finn (something that I have a very hard time not caving for since Finn is having such a rough time without him)... but once there he just - really prefers this structure.

He's still got to actually deal with the transition to real Kindergarden but that's probably best dealt with when we come to it.

I went on their field trip to Kidspace last week.  And even though I'm not awesomely made for field trip  duty (I sort of dislike it intensely) - I do appreciate what I get when I go - i.e. a glimpse into my son's social world.

He was obsessed with the map - this is him trying to direct his teacher:

Finn Stands Alone

This is a hard transitional few months for little Finn.  Jack graduated from their shared pre-school in June, they were separated into church classes instead of all being in the same nursery - then, just in case Finn didn't understand what that all meant (he did), Jack went off to Kindergarten Transition Pre-School at his soon to be new school, leaving Finn home.

For the first few days Finn moped around the house asking where Jack was, saying, in tears, "I want my brudder."

I never pegged Finn as a kid that had a social crutch - he's done very well in school and has never been particularly clingy... unless, I'm just now putting together, he's stuck somewhere without Jack to lead the way... or just... there.  Birthday parties, VBS, whatever - Finn doesn't care if there are cupcakes and balloons - all he wants is his brother.

SO this is how he spent most of VBS

I'm looking forward to pre-school where Finn will find his mojo again. 

Night Time @ Not Camp

Abby is at her first church camp.  She is probably having the best time she's ever had in her whole life - kids, God swimming and singing? This sort of place was made for her.

BUT at night, in the dark, I think of her - wonder if she's tired out enough to just conk right out or if she's struggling with her fears without me.

Can't wait to hear all about it and hug her and have her at night in the dark sleeping soundly here, not at camp.

Finn Knows how to Play the game

Finn has been particularly fond of cuddling since he was potty trained/Jack started going to PCS's transition kindergarten program.  Nevermind that he's not a terribly restful cuddler.  So today he was staring lovingly at my face telling me about it.  I asked what color my eyes were an he took hold of my face, gazed in my eyes and finally answered, "Your eyes are really very very wonderful."

Charmer.

Interview your Kids

crappypictures.com sent out this idea and I think its awesome

FINN 3.5yrs:

• What is the meaning of life?

What? What is the meaning of life? (mimic)

• What do you want to be when you grow up?

Ten, like Poppa.

• What brings you the most happiness?

Um funny things.

• When do you feel the most loved?

Uh Children

• What are you afraid of?

I don't know what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of this one (episode of futurama) but I want to see it.

• If you had one wish, what would you wish for?

Um Tranformers

• What is the funniest word?

Blah blah blah blah bleh

• What is the hardest/easiest thing to do?

food/hide

• What is the best/worst thing in the world?

The whole wide world of games/ the whole wide world of mommy (hey wait a second!)

• What makes you mad?

Some people that is mad at me

• What is the meaning of love?

Cheating

 

• If you had all the money in the world, what would you do with it?

I don't know.

Jack 5.5yrs: 

• What is the meaning of life?

TV

 

• What do you want to be when you grow up?

I want to work

• What brings you the most happiness?

angry birds

• When do you feel the most loved?

Saturday

• What are you afraid of?

Someone scares me

• If you had one wish, what would you wish for?

Being giant angry birds stuffed animals 

• What is the funniest word?

fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa (that one)

• What is the hardest/easiest thing to do?

Cleaning up/ Putting pillows back

• What is the best/worst thing in the world?

Angry birds/Grown up stuff

• What makes you mad?

If someone steps on my toes and then I get very mad like this.

• What is the meaning of love?

Angry Birds

• If you had all the money in the world, what would you do with it?

buy Angry birds.

Abby 9.5yrs:

• What is the meaning of life?

It means - the meaning of life is that we're sinners and have fun.

• What do you want to be when you grow up?

An author/illustrator of a book

• What brings you the most happiness?

My daydreams

• When do you feel the most loved?

When I'm altogether with my family

• What are you afraid of?

Hypnotizing

• If you had one wish, what would you wish for?

No type to learn

• What is the funniest word?

Thingeemajigger

• What is the hardest/easiest thing to do?

Type to learn/walk

• What is the best/worst thing in the world?

Swimming/sickness

• What makes you mad?

When my brothers tease me and don't stop

• What is the meaning of love?

To treat someone as your brother or sister

• If you had all the money in the world, what would you do with it?

Go to places- alot of places.

Swim Lessons... A Lesson in Patience

We've got all the cousins over for swim lessons in our pool this summer.  So far it's going great, though there is a good measure of forlorn watching from those not actively involved (and apparently Finn looks like he may be trying to storm the castle).

It's only been a couple weeks and they've all progressed a huge way.  I am still impatient when their fears keep them from going the next step (well, impatient with my own kids - not invested in the cousins' fear-conquering, though certainly proud).

I find it all an interesting psychological game - how the kids try to bargain or distract away from being challenged to that next level.  How the boys seem to trade off weeks of panic.  How they will do things with Steve that they won't for me.  How hyper they get when they get further than they have before.

I know they will be fishes soon enough, I'm just anxious for them to be 'safe' and able to have as much fun as they can in the pool.

Making Videos

The boys watching their homemade movies on the computer.

They were both enamored by "product reviews" on youtube.  Basically, their fantasy life is either pretending they are transformers and cars etc.  (pretty normal) OR creating commercials (odd).

ANS 2012-2013

Well, another year with Altadena Nursery School.  And a graduation to top it off.

I don't want this to sound like ANS is the only place I learn and grow.  But I have to say ANS is much more of a school for both child and parent than Elementary school has been for me thus far.  Abby's years seem to fly by and I just hope I am helping her as she races through youth.  In contrast ANS feels like quite a journey for me and the kids that go through the year.

I started this year feeling completely confident with Finn in Milly's room for the second year in a row and... interested to see what would happen with Jack's last year at the school.

Oh heck- actually - that's not true - I started this year as a total and complete mess.  We were and had been living with David & MarySue.  I did have emotional room left to be very worried about Jack though.  Something tells me I'll always have energy to worry about my kids.

Janet was Abby's only teacher at ANS so there were no doubts about Janet's capability.  Yet the pressure that this was his "last" year was on.  Because he was a bit old to automatically do a bonus year.

There was a freedom about being in the homeless space at the beginning of the school year.  I wasn't "together" - not even close - but then again, I wasn't really nearly as expected to be as people that have homes are.  I had a ton of co-op work days since I had two full time boys in the school.  But, as I'm sure I said at the time, there was an odd freedom from responsibility because we didn't have a home.  We tried to be good "houseguests" which was highly stressful, but still.

Finn had no trouble that I remember immersing himself back in his classroom.  Jack had no obvious problems, but Janet wanted to talk and helped me start a new regime for him.  We simply had to put his tendency to stall out on the front burner of our priorities.  One lesson I've learned from ANS - when the teachers suggest something - unless it involves illegal gambling - you should always try it.  It may not solve the exact issue you wanted, but it will lead you down an important road.

He got tested for Kindergarten readiness at PCS and he was so cute - so proud of the time he had with the instructors afterwards.  And they suggested getting an OT eval, which you'll remember from 2010 as a big ole waste of time because in order to be evaluated you have to do their tests.  If you won't do the tests they just make assumptions based on the fact that you wouldn't do the tests.  Not exactly a confidence builder for a parent trying to figure out what they need to do/ not to over do testing etc.

Instead we had just moved so we had glorious space for him to run and bike in and something had changed and he made such incredible progress in just two weeks.   So we decided to have him re-tested for Kindergarten. This time, in just a few weeks - he passed Kindergarten readiness with a caveat:  They still wanted him to get evaluated.

We didn't really get any diagnosable thing from that eval - we are now just encouraging his writing (once he decided to do it - there was no problem) and encouraging him to try new things.

February turned out to be a pivotal month for Jack.  I really cannot express how proud I am of him.

In the meantime Finn kept up his social kingdom in the 2 year old classroom with Milly pushing him to the next level whenever she felt he was a resting a bit too easy.

His milestones are quieter, but just as wonderful.  He broke my heart at Jack's graduation because he knew...  I'm not sure what he knew - but possibly that Jack was leaving.  But Jack & Finn are best friends.  I don't think of them that way - I'm always so focused on one thing or the other with each of them separately, but yes, they are best friends and this is the last year they would be together at ANS.

Last workday with both boys

Last few times the boys could play together at ANS

Miss Janet's 3rd annual Poetry Slam

I was SO proud

Finn at graduation with Miss Milly's lipstick kiss on his forehead.  I personally feel he knew he was losing Jack.  At least at school, at least for a little while.

Jack was so proud 

What a crazy difference between this little young man and the baby that started off here.