Marriage at 15

At the end of next month will mark 15 years being married for Steve & I.

This actually does not seem like a long time to me.  I'm guessing my perspective here is that my expectation is 100 years here so 15 almost feels like... gah, thats a lot of life left to get thru.

I'm watching this documentary by a videographer who has gone back to some of his 112 weddings that he covered and its basically pretty depressing.  And the thing that makes it depressing is not that the marriages have ended in hate or disgust - the thing thats depressing is watching the naive pair enter into their marriage with such lack of understanding of what they are entering into.

My expectations were pretty tame but just as ridiculous as all these people who thought "everything would stay the same." My expectations were that we would sit around together watching tv.  But like being really happy about it.

Money, Money, Money, Money aka Zulily

Every few days... hours? I am reminded by a commercial or a conversation with a more normal person or a visit to a more standard family's house of many things that I "should" have, or at least normal people generally stock their homes with.  No, we're not talking Martha Stewart cute crazy specific muffin tongs.  We're talking things like... salad tongs or an ice bucket or coasters.

Sometimes relatives have figured this out and have given some of these funny basics to me for holidays.  Mostly, I really don't care.   I mean I often take a moment to wonder if I really need it, and if yes, it does seem like something handy for living, I put it on a mental list that I promptly forget about.

For a long long time we were living in a house that fought against how we wanted to live... so a working garlic press would be nice, but in my mind, it was just one more thing we were going to have to pack up when we moved.  And as you may know from some of my early ramblings - I didn't plan on letting us move unless I got majorly pushed so what was the point keeping a serious list anyway?  It would just have caused discontent to my mind.

So here we are in a home that we love and gosh darn it, I really need that garlic press now.  But its still not super high on my priorities list.  But now instead of spending all our discretionary funds on food to eat away our frustrations of the old house I could, if I remembered and felt so led... get a garlic presser thingee.

Enter Zulily.  Enter spending $8 in a lot of different categories.

Renaissance

I am perfectly aware that I am living my Renaissance right now.  It's weird to know.  Beautiful and great and... also a little bitter-sweet....

Why is this time so special?  My mom and I have an unusually close relationship - to some extent though we've been on hold for a very long time.  There was college and my total distraction with my future at first, then there was a brief dalliance of curtains and cat litter box focus and then of course there were babies - which both served to bring us very close but also kept us constantly from focusing on anything but them for long.

Now - FINALLY - it's that time.  We're literally a stone's throw away - the kids are all potty trained and mostly able to stay alive without constant supervision.  The kids frequently and with total freedom toddle off to Gramma's house seeking an extra snack, some time to themselves, or, more specifically some time away from their siblings or parents...  a little but complete retreat just a backyard away.  Gramma stops in to get the scoop for the day or to argue about homework.  We've not become constant artist conspirators or anything, but I suppose we could... if we wanted to.  I think first we have to get used to actually having the opportunity.

My dad comes every week still - gives the kids a different kind of retreat - a different sort of energy - total treat.   I was going to say its biggest for Jack-and it's true- there's something about Poppa's presence that both feeds and calms the most raw side of Jack.  BUT it's not like the other two need him less.  Abby counts on that time with him like an inmate for special food.  My theory on this is that she is constantly trying very hard to be nice- knowing she has to be self sacrificing but Poppa isn't about that. Poppa is about "go ahead and ask for the extra helping."  Plenty of people would get pissed at the weekly splurge- but I think it's important.  It's not just food.  It's her time to be selfish without guilt.  Steve has always told the grandparents that it's their option to spoil the grand kids and our responsibility to raise them.  And Finn just wants Poppa around... Focused only on what Finn wants to do.  

As Renaissances go, my dad is giving to his grand kids exactly what he has always felt deprived of as a kid.  And they need it no less than he did. That is deep.

Zoozy and Grandpa pop up to do their thing.  Possibly most foreign to me but awesome is their support for the school events.  Again- they provide that just slightly different energy.  It's like the legacy of Steve's childhood family but crazy softened.  

What sort of luck is that that my kids have BOTH sets of grandparents showing up for Grandparents day?  That Finn gets to have his Mom and Zoozy and two aunts work monthly the WHOLE day at his school?  It's wild I tell you.

My whole family is well.  My whole family is with me if not daily then weekly.  My kids will still cuddle with me.   My husband is cute.  The house is so so so so so lovely and incredible.

This is a good time.

Interview 2 (Boys)

What is the meaning of life:

Finn: You (pointing at me) - all the mommies
Jack: love

What do you want to be when you grow up:

Finn: old man, actually I want to be a stinky shoe
Jack: a farmer, - wait is this for real? I just want to be a man

What brings you the most happiness:
Finn: Poopy
Jack:  New Toys

When do you feel the most loved:
Finn: (gone into giggle mode)Turning off the light
Jack: hanging around (shrugs)

What are you afraid of:
Finn: (still giggling) Turning off the light
Jack:  Tigers and Lions

If you had one wish what would you wish for?
Finn: (still giggling) Turning off the light
Jack: I would wish for a giant angry bird attack building

What is the funniest word?
Finn: (major giggling) Diaper
Jack: Tate's words

What is the hardest thing in the world? easiest thing in the world?
Finn: breaking things/diaper
Jack : taking care of babies/ grabbing things

What is the best thing in the world? worst thing in the world
Finn: laughing giggling too hard to understand
Jack: Playing.  Being bored.

What makes you mad?
Jack: hitting my head

What is the meaning of love?
Jack: being roughed to pillows

If you had all the $ in the world what would you do with it?
Jack: Buy toys

In the Middle of the Night

There is not much in Jack that is neutral... and he is most content in play, so even at his most quiet he's pretty animated.  So sometimes, in the middle of the night when Jack's night terror starts to wake up Finn, I take Jack into the other room.  Unlike during Finn's night terrors, just the change of space tends to relax Jack.  So I hold onto him a minute, usually still trying to edit photos until I feel he's deep enough asleep to return him to bed - only a minute or two.  But the other night I just looked at his totally calm face.  It felt like a little peek into a part of him a seldom see.  

Warmth & Air

Two of my favorite quotes from poetic Finn:

"I love the air in this house". (Super relevant given this is our one year anniversary of living in this house)

And

"I love you most when you're warm"

Ain't that the truth?

Happy anniversary house!

One year since we took actual possession of my dream house that I didn't ever even think to dream about.  I am sitting on the front step sunning while I accidentally burn the bagels in the oven. I do that now- sit outside

. Because the outside feels as inviting as the in.  A billion thanks to God for bringing everything together just exactly at the right time. I still get a thrill walking up the driveway to Grammas house.  Still feel totally undeserving and yet- I know how to take a gift people.  I feel no guilt.  Just thankful. Just a responsibility to use it well and for good