If it's not the WORST...

I think people tend to see me in very contradictory terms.

Newly met people often find me delightfully laid back.

People I have known for a long time find me frustratingly wound tight.

I think that's weird.  But nothing I plan on changing.  I had a friend when I was young who was always searching for depth and spiritual awesomeness.  She was/is great.  But she said something deep  (after reading something deep by someone deep) that has continued to give me pause.

She said she would want her epitaph to be (I'm paraphrasing) that she was the same person to everyone in her life.  By that, I'm pretty sure she meant that she didn't pretend to be different for different classes or people and that anyone and everyone could trust that what she said was what she meant and what she felt.  I mean we were in high school so I'm assuming her thoughts were running along the lines of cliques, gossip, and posers ;).

But it always bothered me because I am very fluid with people.  I have a core of iron - I WILL NOT do what I WILL NOT do... but everything else changes depending on who I'm with.  If I need to be a temporary extrovert or crazy positive or carefully neutral in order to make a situation better/funner I can do that.  I even dress to suit who I'm around.  Does that mean fancier/more expensive? Not so much - more like more buttoned up or more laid back.

The thing is, this doesn't feel disingenuous to me.  I am all the things I purport to be, just not all the time.

I really am very laid back unless I'm afraid of leaving my children motherless, my kids getting injured/humiliated... or parking somewhere unfamiliar... OR trying to fulfill expectations of normal behavior from normal people - like being a room mom or something like that.

Anyway, barring those things I think people see me as laid back because as long as the WORST isn't happening;  As long as this moment is better/easier than the worst times I've had - then my expectations are pretty non-existent.  I'd really just like to wave NOT THE WORST moments to infinity.  My kids are SO MUCH EASIER than they were a few years ago - I was a stress ball about them a few years ago.  A few years ago I was hanging onto my sanity and patience by a thread by the time bedtime rolled around.  Now? 99% of the time it is never the WORST day.  So, hey, what do I care about everything else?

Eventually the rooms will get clean.
Eventually they will learn the math they have to learn.
Eventually everything will be different.
And, unfortunately, eventually I won't remember 99% of any of this.

So who cares?