Just a reminder.
It's what I value highly in others - that they can take care of their own life. Share your problems with me absolutely - but let it be obvious that you know you're going to take care of them at the end of the day. It's what I value highly in myself. And what paralyzes me most is the feeling that I'm not doing it - that somehow I am not able to do it because it must be that bad because I'm NOT doing... instead I'm sitting here upset that I've not done it. But nevermind, I value taking care of my own stuff and in this case my "stuff" is that I'm not taking care of my stuff so now I have to take care of my stuff.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Oprah
Ah, Oprah. For a while now that the show has been off the air it's been pretty easy to think back and go - ah, I'm actually the better for not having that show as so often there were such haunting stories of awfulness that only sometimes had redemption at the end - or even if they did it was the redemption of someone holding on for dear life to their last hope of sanity and life after suffering loss and betrayal and tragedy. Just as difficult were getting thru the fluffy shows that you just knew she didn't want to do but was forced to be the abc spokeswoman for the fall line up.
But finally watching some of her network reminded of why I started watching Oprah in the first place. It was because I was a milking cow to my firstborn and my brain was slowly turning into absolute horrified mush. Watching Oprah was like having some sort of group discussion with a bunch of other people. I didn't always agree with them, but it forced me to exercise that little used function of my brain NOT associated directly with baby's every whim. I had things to think about and even discuss whether or not I liked the way Oprah talked about it.
Her lifeclass series I have shied away from because the name itself seems a bit... pretentious. Sorry, Oprah. But I'm back in and already keep deleting sentences from here that sound too much like a commercial for it. Like "it seems like the sort of format she has wanted for a long time."
Anyway. A few episodes I've watched have all got me to look at my perspective. I have always seen myself as someone good at perspective. I'm not like you sweet people who have to clean the kitchen in order to concentrate - oh no, I can see the big picture. Ha. Not so much right at the moment.
We are in such a good place right now, that I have realized that I am still in the habit of focusing - or trying to focus- on what problems might be happening. Problem tunnel vision. A few months ago this was vital normal life. I had to have a finger on the pulse of the house situation. Now, I don't really think that getting my closet organized should overshadow enjoying who I married or the kids that we love. Nope! Don't even try to get cranky at me that I'm just trying to avoid organizing my closet by spouting lessons on life. I am still very committed to having a household that is not organizational chaos. That has a rhythm to it and all that.
But focusing on the minutia can take a back seat for awhile every day so that I can remember that I really really like the people that I am surrounded by. And I really really don't want to go to sleep every night with my mind full only all the things I didn't accomplish or need to. Instead, a bit of breathing and awe of my blessings. Check.
But finally watching some of her network reminded of why I started watching Oprah in the first place. It was because I was a milking cow to my firstborn and my brain was slowly turning into absolute horrified mush. Watching Oprah was like having some sort of group discussion with a bunch of other people. I didn't always agree with them, but it forced me to exercise that little used function of my brain NOT associated directly with baby's every whim. I had things to think about and even discuss whether or not I liked the way Oprah talked about it.
Her lifeclass series I have shied away from because the name itself seems a bit... pretentious. Sorry, Oprah. But I'm back in and already keep deleting sentences from here that sound too much like a commercial for it. Like "it seems like the sort of format she has wanted for a long time."
Anyway. A few episodes I've watched have all got me to look at my perspective. I have always seen myself as someone good at perspective. I'm not like you sweet people who have to clean the kitchen in order to concentrate - oh no, I can see the big picture. Ha. Not so much right at the moment.
We are in such a good place right now, that I have realized that I am still in the habit of focusing - or trying to focus- on what problems might be happening. Problem tunnel vision. A few months ago this was vital normal life. I had to have a finger on the pulse of the house situation. Now, I don't really think that getting my closet organized should overshadow enjoying who I married or the kids that we love. Nope! Don't even try to get cranky at me that I'm just trying to avoid organizing my closet by spouting lessons on life. I am still very committed to having a household that is not organizational chaos. That has a rhythm to it and all that.
But focusing on the minutia can take a back seat for awhile every day so that I can remember that I really really like the people that I am surrounded by. And I really really don't want to go to sleep every night with my mind full only all the things I didn't accomplish or need to. Instead, a bit of breathing and awe of my blessings. Check.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Ring, Ring...
We decided to nix the house phone. Megan Scheidler thought we were very modern for doing this. I let her believe that, but... no... that's not really it.
Mostly we are just afraid of our mortgage. We've done the numbers a dozen times. The bank did the numbers 600 times. Still... we are paranoid of an extra expense. Must cut out all extra expenses.
But, more than that, I've realized that we only ever used our house phone to call our cell phones in order to locate them. Which shows you both why the house phone was necessary and not at all necessary. Obviously since I used the house phone a lot - that means I lost my cell phone a lot. SO, I've got to stop that.
Oddly enough, despite the fact that we have our iphones attached to our hands and brains every other moment of the day - we are not that great at having our phones handy when someone might call. I'm not sure how that works. But I spend a lot of time trying to get three stars on every angry bird level out there, and yet - the ONE time I have the phone somewhere random someone calls.
And then they tried the house phone. And now there is no longer that option. So... yes. Must stop losing iphone.
Chances are if I am not attached to my iphone I am attached to my computer. So your new 2nd step should be to email.
By the way, my mom also only has a cell. This has much probability of comical error.
Signed,
thoroughly modern us
Mostly we are just afraid of our mortgage. We've done the numbers a dozen times. The bank did the numbers 600 times. Still... we are paranoid of an extra expense. Must cut out all extra expenses.
But, more than that, I've realized that we only ever used our house phone to call our cell phones in order to locate them. Which shows you both why the house phone was necessary and not at all necessary. Obviously since I used the house phone a lot - that means I lost my cell phone a lot. SO, I've got to stop that.
Oddly enough, despite the fact that we have our iphones attached to our hands and brains every other moment of the day - we are not that great at having our phones handy when someone might call. I'm not sure how that works. But I spend a lot of time trying to get three stars on every angry bird level out there, and yet - the ONE time I have the phone somewhere random someone calls.
And then they tried the house phone. And now there is no longer that option. So... yes. Must stop losing iphone.
Chances are if I am not attached to my iphone I am attached to my computer. So your new 2nd step should be to email.
By the way, my mom also only has a cell. This has much probability of comical error.
Signed,
thoroughly modern us
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Little Faith, Big God
I cannot tell you how many times and how vehemently I doubted the process of selling our house in exchange for something that didn't emotionally kick our butts every single day.
The only reason I joined in even half-heartedly was because I do believe that God is ALWAYS speaking to me. ALWAYS prompting me to do better, be better. So when Steve had been so great about understanding my view of moving (i.e. it is hell, please lets not do it), and asked me to go see the house on Altadena Dr. I felt that the better, more loving thing was to go see it. Steve was, after all, not wrong about timing - the housing market is still down and is going up. Our house would never reach it's potential with us as sellers. We just didn't have the heart for it anymore (we lost heart about two months after buying it). But still, moving, getting a new mortgage - I knew it would be awful, too awful to consider right when I finally felt like we were getting a handle on life as grown ups.
SO I went to see the house on Altadena Dr. in June. And gosh darn it if I didn't love it. I felt that for me- the original miss. you'll-have-to-make-me-move-over-my-dead-and-whining-body - for me to be willing to put our hat in the ring - well - that must be a God thing.
And if it's a God thing, then whatever pain the process is surely it will be worth it.
Things went on a constant back and forth. Half the daily circumstances seemed divinely easy - confirming the decision to jump into the shark infested waters of real estate. Half of them had me kicking myself and wondering if I could blame Steve yet for how wrong this decision had obviously been (I know, I'm a jerk - I do try not to be).
We packed up our things, hoping for a quick month of escrow on both sides. That didn't happen.
We moved into David & MarySue's for just a few weeks transition.
SIX MONTHS later we don't have all our stuff out of their house yet.
And in that time I doubted. I doubted and doubted and doubted. I kept moving forward - trudging some days hoping God would rescue us from this stupid thing we'd done; every once in a while daring to hope that still somewhere God had a point to all of this.
Hindsight. Wow. We could only have gotten this house - this house that is daily thrillingly lovely - the moment we did. Not just in 2012 - but in DECEMBER of 2012. If we'd done any of this at any other time it just plain would not have happened. But all the problems pushed us into December where it could finally happen. This had to do with so many things - so many things we had no idea about and no control over. In the end - I'd say this was God inspired and God given with a lot of help from family in the middle.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Ultimately
I think it's clear by now that I experience life through taking pictures of it.
It has to be admitted that there is a selfish, peevish part of me that resents that I have captured all these great moments and that few have been captured with me in them - at least not in a way that I seem to be able to appreciate.
But ultimately, at the end of the day, I want my kids and my kids kids etc to see and understand that I am in those pictures. As I keep preaching - the way you look at me is the way that you show up in the photo. So when you see pictures that I have taken, and the people in those pictures are portraying some sort of joy - then that's me too. I am either making them laugh or sharing in the same joke.
So ... I'm there. I'm represented. Even if I'm not.
It has to be admitted that there is a selfish, peevish part of me that resents that I have captured all these great moments and that few have been captured with me in them - at least not in a way that I seem to be able to appreciate.
But ultimately, at the end of the day, I want my kids and my kids kids etc to see and understand that I am in those pictures. As I keep preaching - the way you look at me is the way that you show up in the photo. So when you see pictures that I have taken, and the people in those pictures are portraying some sort of joy - then that's me too. I am either making them laugh or sharing in the same joke.
So ... I'm there. I'm represented. Even if I'm not.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Snap, Snap, Snap, Snap
There are times when Steve and my parenting techniques clash. Mostly we're good, but sometimes we look at each other over the childs head and try to stare the other down.
Sometimes something that looks like an overreaction or otherwise crazy is actually awesome.
Steve has a knack for funny/weird parenting fixes.
Like the time he trained Finn to calm down/control his emotions by each of them touching their noses.
Well recently while helping Abby with her homework I heard Steve snapping his fingers at her and telling her to hurry. I shook my head in absolute shock - this was so so so so so obviously wrong. So I rush in with my stare ready.
And before I can ask what the heck is going on I'm noticing Abby's getting all the answers right. She's also not at all upset. I narrow my eyes and ask for more information.
Steve has noted something that I have not specifically noted. When answering a math question or any really, Abby's gaze is wandering around as she's looking for the answer. Apparently, Steve didn't just take that as normal adolescent stuff. He recognized it as something that gets him too. And by snapping and rushing her he's forcing her brain to keep from getting distracted by everything around her (like the wall... or the floor, or a cup...).
May not be in any parenting handbooks anytime soon, but it sure makes homework go faster.
Sometimes something that looks like an overreaction or otherwise crazy is actually awesome.
Steve has a knack for funny/weird parenting fixes.
Like the time he trained Finn to calm down/control his emotions by each of them touching their noses.
Well recently while helping Abby with her homework I heard Steve snapping his fingers at her and telling her to hurry. I shook my head in absolute shock - this was so so so so so obviously wrong. So I rush in with my stare ready.
And before I can ask what the heck is going on I'm noticing Abby's getting all the answers right. She's also not at all upset. I narrow my eyes and ask for more information.
Steve has noted something that I have not specifically noted. When answering a math question or any really, Abby's gaze is wandering around as she's looking for the answer. Apparently, Steve didn't just take that as normal adolescent stuff. He recognized it as something that gets him too. And by snapping and rushing her he's forcing her brain to keep from getting distracted by everything around her (like the wall... or the floor, or a cup...).
May not be in any parenting handbooks anytime soon, but it sure makes homework go faster.
And When You Find Yourself in Trouble...
STILL homeless kids. Granted, the most pampered and well looked after homeless people in the world, but still.. homeless.
At this point, I'm pretty sure you're all going to be highly unimpressed finally being in our own house (if this ever happens) with just us.
I find it funny that I know without a shadow of a doubt, that somehow, someday we will be fine. Settled even. Why is it still so hard to just walk thru the in between time?
It's despair sort of hard, and it doesn't have to be. Having perspective is all well and good, but somehow it doesn't always show.
There is a point of time - not far away that things will be where we want them to be. That's what Steve always tells us when we're in the worst times.
At this point, I'm pretty sure you're all going to be highly unimpressed finally being in our own house (if this ever happens) with just us.
I find it funny that I know without a shadow of a doubt, that somehow, someday we will be fine. Settled even. Why is it still so hard to just walk thru the in between time?
It's despair sort of hard, and it doesn't have to be. Having perspective is all well and good, but somehow it doesn't always show.
There is a point of time - not far away that things will be where we want them to be. That's what Steve always tells us when we're in the worst times.
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